Posted by: ramblingki | March 11, 2012

You May Now Eat The Bride?

I’m sure you’ve all seen this Jack-in-the-Box commercial by now.  A semi-pathetic nerd announces to his mother that he is getting married.  His mother, who probably thought he would never find anybody, is thrilled!  “Who’s the girl,” she asks?

“It’s not a girl.  It’s bacon,” the young nerd replies.

“Bacon?  Bacon?  You’re marrying bacon?  What the hell is wrong with you?”  That’s how the mother should have responded, but the commercial cuts away to the young man shopping for wedding rings with his betrothed piece of bacon, hoping for her approval of his choice.  They shop for a veil, too.  No need for a dress because bacon really doesn’t look good in white.

The next scene is the actual wedding.  The pastor beams upon the lucky couple — our young nerd and his bacon bride — a huge, nasty looking hamburger, with his hapless bacon bride sticking out on all sides.

After a brief ceremony, the pastor announces, “You may eat the bride.”  As I said before, “Eat the bride????”

Where are the sanctity of marriage zealots when you need them?  Surely, if they object to same sex marriages, they should abhor the idea of a man marrying a piece of pork butt.  And, maybe that pork butt is from a male pork butt! People should be both aghast and agog!  Come on zealots!  Please whip up some frenzy about this.  It’s really, really disgusting.  Truly, truly disgusting, not to mention just plain wrong.  Doesn’t it say somewhere in the Bible that man shalt not fornicate with animals?  (If it doesn’t, it should.)

And Mr. Jack-in-the-Box, you have a son with a round head and little pointy hat just like yours.  How can you subject him to something like this?  You know the other kids are already laughing at him because of his head and hat.  Now they’re probably bullying him and calling him “son of a pork butt pornographer.”

Something has to be done.  Who will step up to the plate (no pun intended) and right this egregious wrong?


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